If I could redo this race I would do it very differently. But I suppose that’s part of this journey. We don’t get to “get it right” every time and that’s what keeps pulling us back for more: the opportunity to try to do it better. 

On the start line I felt particularly nervous. The whole day before I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. Clayton reminded me as I went to the line that I’ve literally raced hundreds of time. This is no different. 

When the race started I pounced ahead finding myself in good position and feeling strong. “See,” I told myself, “You’re ready.” And I was. I stayed with the group, followed moves and survived through the two crashes that happened in the first 10 minutes. 

It was absolute chaos. As we descended one hill I went wide, another woman went on then inside. She couldn’t stop which left me with the choice of either crashing into her or following her into the bushes. We both had to climb out of the weeds and catch back on. People’s bars were hitting me in the hips, and there were lots of close calls. The general feeling within the group was a bit frantic or even desperate. Even if you could physically settle in, you could never mentally settle. 

Maybe that was my mistake. 

I tried to take a mental reset and it only takes a moment for things to go sideways. 

In a race with speeds this high, if you lose focus for even a moment to think about the last crash or the last move you made or even to try to anticipate the next one, it could be the moment you lose the group. Once the group is gone, it’s never coming back. I’m going to call it a mulligan. I want a redo. 

When I crossed the finish I was upset. That’s not how I wanted the race to go in any capacity. It felt like it ended before it even started. I kept grappling for silver linings- “What did I do well?” “What can I pat myself on the back for?” I couldn’t come up with much. Does that mean it was pointless? 

Absolutely not. 

Here’s what I’ve learned. The joy isn’t in doing this well, it’s in learning how to be better. 

If I walked away from this weekend and pushed it all aside or if I let it shake my confidence then it would be my loss. Instead, I can own my mistakes and make a plan so it doesn’t happen again.

I’m not afraid of difficult experiences because I know I’m strong enough to overcome them and I’ve learned how to let them fuel me forward. 

I’m building armor and this just made it that much stronger.